Untethered

You may recall that my parents died in 2014. I knew that I felt a bit adrift, no longer moored on this planet by – what? I had been fiercely independent since I was a teenager, marching to the beat of my own drum – clearly different from my parents and most of the rest of my family. It seemed I was cut from a different cloth; I made peace with that. So, what was the tether?

I grieved the loss of my parents, felt like I let go, was ok with the fact that they were gone. But I knew something was amiss in me. It turns out that no longer having parents on this planet opened a space for an essential unraveling.

My most fundamental childhood wound, the one I thought I was done with, was neglect. As a kid, I felt unimportant. I felt like I didn’t matter. I felt way too sensitive and so very out of place. All of that led to chronic depression and a bad case of self-hate. Not fun. I’ve done a substantial amount of work on all that. I no longer feel at the mercy of the many ways it affected my life. I healed it, transformed it. It is no longer my reality. Healthy, happy, whole. The end.

Maybe not.

A few months ago I found myself telling friends stories of my childhood challenges. This was stuff I hadn’t talked about in forever, stuff I thought was done and gone. I spoke of feeling wounded, confused, neglected, and insignificant. As I told these stories, I was overcome with emotion – gasping, weeping, uncontrollable. The power of these feelings stunned me! It was weird. I knew I had to dive in and get curious about what was up. Something was pushing on me, and it required, actually demanded, that I turn toward it with intention,  compassion, and devotion.

What I found was an elegant, well-designed, subtle defense system. Born of my teenage rebellion and my absolute need to re-invent myself, I had crafted a wall of protection and an attitude of defiance. It was crude back then; full of arrogance and a reckless, uncaring insolence. Over the years it became refined and finessed into a delicate blend of independent thought, spiritual revolution, eloquent irreverence, and a penchant to always play in the deep end.

None of that, in and of itself, is bad news. The difficulty lies in the energy it takes to live in a defended posture, which is what I was doing. Moreover, I was not aware that this well-honed defense system was still in place – not until now. Not until two years after my parents died did it fully reveal itself so that I could turn toward it and lovingly dismantle it.

Once I became aware that I was tethered to an obsolete and contracted way of being in my life, it was clear that I was done; done with living in a state of defense. I turned toward this weary and worn-out part of me with kind attention, full permission, and an open invitation to stop. Just stop. And I did. Suddenly and without due process, I was no longer bound by what had been. What a relief.  Freedom and peace abide. Untethered.

Some tethers are healthy and necessary. Others, not so much. Are you tethered? If so, to what? Do you know? Does it serve you? Perhaps there is a system or a belief that has helped you, but now is a source of deadening or unnecessary contraction. What lies hidden beneath your well-worn habits? Question any sense of dis-ease or constriction, and do not assume that it is essential or fixed. Experiment with this idea of untethering and see if there is something in you that requires your kind attention and assistance to change, to let go, to find peace.

to life, Carol